Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
