When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
