If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
We need to get me chipped asap
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
