just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
