I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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