i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
