you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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