I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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