K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
