Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize