mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
