He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
