I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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