Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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