i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
