why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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