I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
