My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
