i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Shame is for Republicans.
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