This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
