I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
