My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
