I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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