how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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