As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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