We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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