No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
