I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
