You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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