Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize