There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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