If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
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