god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
