I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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