Apparently you make a good broom.
Everything about him screamed your future.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I just found a bag of teeth...
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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