Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
