My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
