i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize