Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
