Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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