I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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