Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
