My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
