tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
The chlamydia really affected his face.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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