im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
