I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize