god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Randomize
