does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
