Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
