my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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