So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
