True but thats because hes a fetus.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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