Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
