if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
