i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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