I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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