Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
