just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
