$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Pooping to opera.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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