He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
