i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
