You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
