I can tuck mytits in my pants
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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