Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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