Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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