Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize